by Lauren Porter

Women's liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that. ~Golda Meir, world leader

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is "soap-on-a-rope." ~Bill Cosby, actor, comedian

From the moment of that first contraction, the world can appear to forget fathers. Everything suddenly revolves around breasts, bonding and maternal instinct, leaving fathers to wonder where and how they fit in. Yet the process of becoming a father is an equally important birth. As with women, the arrival of a baby gives rise to a new identity for men. Men experience the highs and the lows, the confusion and need for support, and the bold exploration into the final frontier called fatherhood.

Some people say that focusing on mothers is unnecessary, that babies don’t care and caregivers are interchangeable. Unfortunately, this isn’t true. Babies emerge from the womb preferring their mother’s voices, knowing their mother’s scent and wanting their mother’s company. This doesn’t mean that another person can’t do the nurturing and do it well. It just means that physiologically and emotionally, mothers are primed to do this job. However, that’s not the end of the story.

Fathers represent another way of looking at life - the possibility of an alternative dialogue. ~Louise Kaplan, psychiatrist and author

Babies may need their mothers but that’s not the complete picture. Every relationship in a child’s life sculpts the brain architecture and imprints a map for negotiating the world. Just as plants need sunshine along with soil and water, babies need more than just one important person in their lives. Fathers – or significant others of any kind, including grandparents, same sex partners and close friends – bring another way of being and being loved to the lives of their children.

Fathers offer children a different lens, a unique and alternative way to view the world. Mothers are often the source of comfort and reassurance, the safe haven from life’s trials. While fathers possess immense nurturing abilities, too, they are also often well suited to being the base from which babies explore the world. Because they are often not the all day feeders and all night comforters, they have the energy and excitement to introduce babies to new people, new games and new ideas.

It is a wise father that knows his own child. ~ William Shakespeare

Getting to know your baby, discovering who she is, her likes and dislikes, her temperament and style is paramount. Having a baby is like moving to a strange new country. The best thing you can do is buy a good map and learn how to order off a menu. Start small and learn about this new creature. You will soon become fascinated and will likely find that your insights are helpful to your partner as well. Research shows that fathers are typically better able to describe their baby’s behaviours and personalities, likely because their perspective affords them some objectivity.

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. ~ David O. McKay, teacher, pastor

Sometimes the biggest struggle for dads is in those first few months of life, the time when the only jobs available for them seem to be changing nappies and making tea. It is important to remember that this is a huge time of change for everyone and that often the best way to parent your child is to support her mother. If you have an older child, your role with them can expand and grow as you become their temporary focus. Not only is this sort of practical assistance likely to ease the stress and assist the mother-baby bonding that leads to better bonding with everyone, but it also begins an important lesson for baby: how adults understand love.

While what we do with our children is obviously critical, it is in the quality and essence of our adult relationships that children learn the most about their future. A child who is nurtured but never sees mum and dad speak and act in a supportive and loving way toward each other misses out on the big picture. If you have a daughter, you are teaching her what to expect of a man; if you have a son, he is learning about manhood itself.

We give our children a great if unseen gift when we wrestle with our own expectations and are able to consciously let go of those that are destructive to their well-being. ~ Jon Kabat Zinn, professor

It’s not always so easy, however. The shift from husband to father, wife to mother, and couple to family can be an intense one, often pitting the baby’s needs against those of the parents. Men can end up feeling confused about the part they play and the feelings they experience. Fathers report that they miss their partner’s time and attention, that her focus is solely on the baby, that they are sleep deprived and cranky, that the baby has changed their life in ways they didn’t predict (and aren’t too happy with). It is critical to realise that these changes are both normal and temporary. A baby has intense needs and meeting these needs may be tiring work, but it is time well spent. You are laying the foundation for a happy, well-adjusted child, not to mention a child who will be easier to parent as they grow.

Remain steadfast in the belief in your partnership. Remember that if you feel your union is under stress, it is time to reassess your expectations and priorities, not blame your child. A mother and father whose commitment to and love for each other is strong can endure this short-term adjustment to a new phase of life. Before you realise it, you will regain your ability for free time and private moments and you will arrive there with a sense of pride in your accomplishments as parents, not at the expense of your child’s development.

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising boys." ~Harmon Killebrew, baseball hall-of-fame star

In the meantime, if you are feeling left out, take heart. You are more important than you think and you can enjoy your influence. Your special way of interacting with and thinking about your child gives them new avenues to develop, new options in life and a belief in themselves as most important. For example, research into breastfeeding shows that one of the strongest predictors of whether a mother will breastfeed or not is the father’s feelings about breastfeeding and his support. Don’t assume that breastfeeding – or any other mother-baby issue – is out of your reach. Fathers have great influence and it is important to your baby that you educate yourself and take a stand. You have a huge impact on your baby’s physical, emotional and psychological health.

Research also shows that fathers who share a bed with their baby and partner – called ‘triadic’ cosleeping – report a greater sense of intimacy, involvement and satisfaction with their babies than fathers who sleep separately. The fathers in this study did not intend to sleep with their babies and were surprised at their reactions. Other ideas include baby massage, co-bathing, cuddling and special time. You will find your own unique way to create a special bond with your child; you just have to look.

Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance. ~ Ruth E. Renkel, author

Finally, it is important to remember that you are in this for the long haul. Just like the farmer who can’t rush the crops, parenting is an enduring process that requires great care and often doesn’t produce a harvest until much later on. You may be surprised at the fruits of your labour. The early years of parenting are the most demanding, but also the most important. Like most things that matter, they require a huge investment of time, energy and feeling. But the transformation defies words. If you can step into this new world and embrace the voyage, you will find it is definitely worth the trip.